going gray: the year of the selfie

tonight i managed to lock myself out of my office. 
and my homework in my office. 
sounds like a great time to write a post. 

today, it has officially been one year since i gave up on hair dye. 
when i started this journey, i shared it on my blog to hold myself accountable. 
to my readers. 
who basically include my parents, sister, and bernie.
maybe i should have just texted them. . . 

anyway.
so far?
i'm pretty stinking proud of myself. 
i've stuck with it and embraced it as a temporary. . . albeit several year. . . process. 

along the way, i have searched the internet for other people's stories.
suffice it to say, there aren't a TON of blogs about women choosing to go gray in their 30's. 
but there are some out there. 
and i really appreciated hearing. . . and more importantly, seeing. . . how the process has gone for them. 
so. . . here's mine in return. 
mainly in pictures because there isn't much to say. 
"look. there's gray hair."
"and now there's more. . . "

but. 
there's one awkward part. 
(at least for me.)
this.
requires.
SO. 
MANY. 
selfies. 

these are not things i regularly take.
or share. 
but, it is awfully hard to look at the top of your head without them. 
and i decided to spare bernie from this new life task. 
so. 
selfies it is. 
here we go!

JUST GETTING STARTED. . . April 6, 2014

MAY

a few of these seem to have a blue filter. 
i don't know. 
apparently i was in the mood for blueish gray hair on occasion. 

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

OCTOBER

i think i made anth help me take this one. 
such lucky kids i have. . . 

DECEMBER

based on the artwork in background, this one appears to have been taken in my office. 
you can really see the lovely contrast between the gray and my highlights. 
i had highlights done when i started growing out the gray, because i thought things would blend better. 
word to the wise?
just grow it out. 
i am now contending with natural, highlighted, and gray hair. 
oops. 

 JANUARY

FEBRUARY

february was exciting. 
i finally reached the point where the gray goes all the way back to my ponytail. 
so what i'm saying is. . . i now look like i got one of those hairpieces at a stand in the mall. 
in the wrong color. 

MARCH

here's one featuring not just the top of my head. 
neat. 
also...it shows that, after a year, i'm not quite there yet. . . 
darn curls. 

APRIL 2015: A PHOTO WITH OTHER HUMANS!

i feel like the savvy boys should at least make an appearance on their namesake blog. 
if you look closely, you can see a christmas light in the background. 
they are strung around the boys' bunk bed.
eternally.
oops. 

anyway. 
i still have a long road ahead of me. . . 
"a long road."
ha. 
that sounds a bit dramatic for "sitting around and waiting for hair to grow."
but. . . i'm still not ready to cut it off. 
i've just gotten used to looking a little bit messy. 
but. . . between work, school, the boys' sports, and our new obsession with Sherlock, life is a little bit messy right now. 
here's to looking how i feel!
?

daring "gray"tly. . . part 2

yesterday, i wrote about my time at #ACPA14, meeting Brené  Brown, and my journey toward daring greatly by applying for a PhD program. 

looking forward, i have one more "daring greatly" project on the horizon. 

though it might seem slightly superficial to some, this one took a little bit of soul searching on my end, and a lot of reading other people's blogs on the experience.

(a personal favorite has been How Bourgeois. i am grateful to the women who have shared their stories on the topic.) 

the next journey? 

i've decided to let my natural hair grow out. 

i've written about it before, but i started to go grey at 19. 

granted, in my "goth" years, i was coloring my hair with Manic Panic back at 16.

but even as i have shifted to more natural shades, i have been dying it regularly ever since.   

very regularly. 

and i started to reflect on how much longer i was willing to chase something that i can't catch. 

if i don't dye my hair every 2 or 3 weeks, it is clear to the world that i am very grey. 

and, let's be real, i never get around to coloring my hair every 2 or 3 weeks. 

which leads to many conversations where i watch people's eyes float to my hairline. 

and then i'm spending half of my energy in the conversation, and half giving myself a hard time for not "staying on top of" my gray. 

and the thing is. . .i don't really care that i have gray hair. 

i had more shame around looking like i don't have my life together than i do about my actual appearance. 

of all the things i want to spend my time and energy on, routine hair maintenance isn't one of them. 

i've told some people about my decision, and i've received mixed responses. 

some have been supportive. 

some have said i'm "too young" to go grey at 36. 

(which is funny. because i AM 36. and i AM grey. technically, i've just been "hiding" it.)

others have asked "how does bernie feel?"

to those folks, i say, you don't know bernie very well. 

he is a man who reads to the boys at night, does more than his fair share of dishes and laundry, and just wants the people he loves to be happy. 

and each time i take a step in this authenticity journey of embracing who i really am, and not what i think i should be, bern gains a happier and more whole partner. 

though he doesn't assume to have a say in the matter, he is very supportive. 

(caveat: because i dye my hair myself, i am assuming he is also excited about the future safety of the paint job in the bathroom. i've been known to make a few mistakes along the way. . . )

chopping my hair off would make for a quick transition. 

the problem is, i don't want to go short. 

i donated my hair in 2010 and didn't feel like myself for several years while i grew it back.

to avoid the world's worst ombre effect, i think i am going to get my hair highlighted a bit while i transition to grey. 

here i am on February 17, 2014 (nerdy work head shot):

and here i am as of this morning (april 6, 2014):

this photo makes it seem as though i will have a lovely zebra/skunk effect going on. 

neat. 

this one, less so. 

i have no idea. 

it's hard to predict what "kind of grey" you have.

granted, i have a LONG way to go. . . 

and the whole project could turn into an absolute disaster. 

i may run screaming for the nearest box of Feria at some point. 

but i'm going to give it a whirl. 

i'm genuinely curious to find out what i actually look like under all that dye. 

but i thought it was important to say that i am both relieved and excited about this choice. 

and that, for me, there is a big difference between "letting myself go" and "letting it grow."

i'll keep you posted. . .