December 7, 2012

fail photo friday: i stink at elf-shelfing

Dear Ernie the Elf,

you made me lie to my kids 5 times this morning.


not enough of a post?
here is the play by play of what happened this morning. . .

on a typical school/work day, the boys wake up and go straight downstairs where they hang out for a little while before breakfast.
today, benny woke up really early, so he snuck into our bed while i was getting ready.
when i headed downstairs to make coffee, benny followed behind me.
fortunately, he was still moving slowly.
becuase the minute i got to the bottom of the stairs, i saw Ernie the Elf.
in the exact same place he had been the day before.
because both bernie and i are awesome, and forgot to move him.

trying to think on my feet, i quickly told benny to stop moving.
he wanted to know why.
so i told him i had left presents out while wrapping last night and needed to hide them.
(Lie #1. - i was actually watching Parenthood.)
benny ran back into my bedroom and i quickly grabbed Ernie from the front room and shoved him in a spot in the kitchen.
immediately after forcefully making Ernie fit in his new spot du jour in the kitchen, i noticed that the light was on in the downstairs bathroom.
and then realized someone was in there.
that someone?
he, apparently, came downstairs right before ben and i did, so i didn't even know he was awake.

in approximately .0003 seconds, i deduced that he would have already seen that Ernie had been in the same place.
i then ran back to the kitchen, picked up Ernie, and immediately heard the door to bathroom turn.
in my most impressive feat of parental calmness, i screamed, "STAY INSIDE THE BATHROOM!"
to which i heard a muffled, "but i'm done in here!"
trying to apply logic to the situation, i then yelled, "STAY IN THERE ANYWAY!"
thinking that i was just being my usual silly self, anth came out of the bathroom at that moment.
probably to see why his mother was being such a spaz.

he took one look at me, saw Ernie in my arms, and then yelled at me, "MOM! WHAT. DID. YOU. DO!?!?"
i realized that neither "murdered Ernie," nor "ruined a cute holiday tradition," were a good response.
in that moment i also realized that, for some reason, i was cradling Ernie in my arms like an infant.
i don't know why.

then i told anth that i had knocked ernie over while trying to reach something in the basket he had been in before.
(lie #2).
anth asked what i was trying to get.
in response, i reached into the basket and pulled out the first thing i touched.
which was my glue gun.
i explained that this is what i needed.
at 6:22 am.
on a Friday.
(lie #3).
anth asked why i needed a glue gun.
i told him i wanted to make a wine-cork-christmas-tree.
(thank you Barb Kefalas for sending me a picture of a wine cork tree last night. goodness knows what else i would have come up with at that moment.)

(lie #4).
anth got all excited about the new craft project and asked if he could help.
i told him that i would love this.
like most 7-year-olds, anth was calmed by the idea of a good holiday-inspired craft project made as a result of the mass consumption of wine on the part of my friends and colleagues. 
he simply walked off toward the family room.

as he was sitting down on the couch, he turned over his shoulder and offered, "just get me when you're ready to email Santa so i can help you explain."
then, "and leave Ernie in the stocking so Santa can find him."

this would be lie #5

Dear Ernie,

i apolgize for the previous letter.
i've realized that, though you may not be able to tell, i am am the parent in this situation.
and that i should probably just acknowledge that my inability to keep up with a seemingly easy activity makes me feel mildly incompetent at life.
thank goodness i have anth to show me the way.

perhaps some ginko biloba for christmas?


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